Did it again

What did I do? I tortured myself. But this time I came through it much better than normal. I can only imagine what you must be thinking. He tortured himself?? What the hell??? Let me explain.
I belong to a forum for Polyamory. On there there was someone who asked if anyone had lost a partner and how they dealt with things. Unfortunately, I have personal experience in that matter so her and I have been communicating via email for the last couple of days. I absolutely LOVE that I'm able to help someone else going through this. I'm glad that she has someone that can understand what she's going through. (I know there are many people who have lost loved ones, but to lose someone in a poly relationship, there's a whole slew of other things that one must be concerned with) Anyway, she feels like she has someone that she can talk to now, and I'm thrilled to be that person.

Now with the good always comes the bad right? Well, in all this talking about our loved ones, I've been remembering our first gf. Now this used to mean that I would sit and cry and feel the pain of when we first lost her. It's been 4 years since she's been gone, and now when I think of her, I don't hurt like I did at the start. Now I just feel empty when I think about her not being here. My life is by no means empty, please don't misunderstand. But when she passed away, a piece of my heart went with her. Always will be that way. There's always going to be a void in my heart when I think of her.

Anyway, back to my torture. I was in our spare room today and that's where we have her furniture and stuff like that. It's also where we have her pictures and perfume. I know, it's been 4 years, but I can't bring myself to not do things like that. When we moved to SC, one of the spare rooms was set up with all of her stuff. So, I was in the spare room yesterday and I started looking at her pictures. Then I sprayed a bit of her perfume on a shirt that she used to wear. Then I just walked around with her shirt, smelling it and thinking about her. I didn't cry. I'm not all cried out, but I know that sometimes I just need to do those things. I'm sure it seems a bit much to some of you out there, but it's what I have to do. Plain and simple.

I'm not a nut I promise. I just miss her like mad. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about her or wonder why she can't be here with us. I know she's around and is watching over us, but damn I wish I could hear her laugh one more time. Hug her one more time. Tell her I love her one more time. I'll love her for the rest of my life and I can't wait until we're all together again. Love you babygirl. Always will.