Wednesday

So my brother's off to Hawaii for yet another summer spent in paradise. He's playing baseball out there for 6 weeks. There are scouts that head to those games, so you never know, but if nothing else he gets great life experience as well as more playing time. Which, any athlete can tell you is very important.

I dropped him at the airport this morning and on my way back to the car I had a realization. I realized that I have some serious abandonment issues. Mmhmm, sure do. Once again, it all stems back to my childhood. At least that's where my introspection led me. I have lots of issues saying goodbye to people in my circle. My girls, my siblings, and a few other select people make it into that circle. Those are the people that I have issues when it comes to goodbyes of any kind. My brother is a 21 year old man and does his own thing and yet when I was leaving him, all I saw was that little kid who used to want to go and play basketball. Had a moment and then I started thinking about why I felt the way I did.

My guess is that my issues stem from the fact that I HATED when my biological father would drop me back off at my house after a weekend spent with him. No, the weekends weren't that great, but I guess it was because it was something different and it was my dad. I can remember times when I would sit in my bathroom after he left and just cry. I would tell my mother that I wanted to go and live with him and all that other stuff. Looking back now I'm sure that hurt her, but I hope she understood where it was coming from. So my uneducated guess is that because I hated having to part with my father and say goodbye to him, I do everything in my power now to avoid that feeling. Hence why people in my circle stay in my circle for quite some time.

Those thoughts led me to Lori. Course, most thoughts lead me to her. I think that maybe part of the reason that I haven't dealt with her loss is because by doing so I'll have no choice but to admit that she's gone. No, I'm not nuts, I know that she's gone, but maybe some deep, dark part of my brain doesn't. Maybe it can't handle that sort of information or understanding so it shields itself. I do know that whenever I think of Lori and my heart starts to hurt my brain instantly turns to something else. Defense mechanism? Sounds like a good idea right?

Things to ponder.