Lori

I've been thinking a lot about Lori these last few days. That's nothing out of the ordinary, but it's been consistent for longer than normal. I'm not sure why, but I know that it hurts as bad as the day it happened.

Time has made it to where I may not cry on a daily basis like I used to, so for that I'm thankful. Unfortunately it doesn't take the pain away totally. They say that time heals all wounds. I disagree. I think just dulls the blade. Now when I miss Lori there's an added element of despair because it's been so long since I heard her laugh, saw her smile or held her in my arms.

Always cherish those you love. Never take them for granted and tell them you love them often. Have no regrets.

One a year

I get one of these a year. Guess I'll try again next year.

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I guess

I guess it's a wrap. Very sad.

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Ahhhh Saturday

Well yesterday was another first for me in the bedroom. Didn't think that was possible either, I know. Our fwb, M, came over and we had some awesome adult time complete with adult beverages!! Aside from the amazing sex, she's also so much fun to hang out with. I can't believe we lucked out and found someone like her. Which brings me to how I found her.

You know that old saying that when life closes a door it always opens up a window? That's kinda how it felt. Lemme splain. We all remember R right? The one from Mi that I loved but wasn't poly so nothing could ever happen. Well check this shit out.

The blog titled 2 weeks was about her. See, I would text R daily. Just a hello text usually, but some sort of text throughout the course of the day. This was because I wanted to AND because she asked me to.

Now, there would be times when I wouldn't hear from her, but I knew she was busy, plus I have my own life so I totally get it. But for two weeks I didn't hear a peep out of her. I got a mundane text after a week and a half of nothing from her. Then comes Super Bowl Sunday...

I posted my blog about the two weeks. No names, nothing like that. Not how I roll, ya know? I get a text from R asking what the blog was about. So, I told her. Well that didn't sit well with her. She told me that we are NOT a couple and we don't need to talk everyday. She knows that my feelings for her are more than just friendly and it's not healthy and she doesn't fucking appreciate being talked about on my blog.

My response...Ok, take care. And those were the last words I spoke to her. Someone that was a friend above all else. I've known R For just over 5 years and we've each been there for each other so I'm sad that things ended this way, but I also have no room in my life for drama.

About a week later I come across an ad from M. And the rest is as they say, history. Everything happens for a reason. I've always believed it, and this was just a small reminder of that.

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A rebirth...I think

So I was told that I need to start blogging again. Well here we are. Where to start??

A lot has happened. My mother kicked my brother out of the house which led to all sorts of drama. A lot of unresolved feelings popped up. I tried to talk to my mother and she had a completely different version of how things happened in our house. Told me things that I remembered were a matter of opinion. I knew then that any sort of attempt to talk to her about how I was feeling would be futile. So, I'm done.

On a much happier note, we actually found someone!! It's pretty cool actually. She fits exactly what we were looking for. A true friend with some pretty awesome benefits. It's only been a short time, but I really think she's gonna be a keeper. Long as she don't go nuts that is. LOL

I may be blogging more as I've downloaded an app that allows me to do this right from my phone. Ahhhh technology. Gotta love it.

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Test

Test

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can be made to feel as if your just an after thought. A lot can happen in two weeks.

A lot can happen in two weeks. You can find a new job, buy a new car, get a raise, or fall in love. Or you can realize that you're just not that important. You

Curious

So I haven't written in this thing in FOREVER and yet there is someone that checks it almost daily. I wonder who you are and why you haven't said anything to me. Or are you someone that I know who's keeping tabs? Maybe you should tell me who you are. Could be the start of something...interesting. ;)

Karma, Karma, Karma...

Can be a total bitch, but she does definitely serve a purpose. So I'm trying to live my life being both true to myself and treating others the way I would want to be treated. I was doing really well with all that and then lil bits of negativity started creeping in. Lil things that I allowed to bother me and then I would retaliate with a post on FB or something like that. No big deal right? I'm still following the Golden Rule and trying to do what I set out to do. I think I may have been wrong.

This last week has been a test of my new found stress management techniques. I've done well, but still have a long ways to go. When all this stuff started happening the first thing I thought was, what did I do wrong to deserve this. I really believe in Karma, can you tell? In thinking about what's been going on the only thing I could think of was the negativity that I was putting out. Even with what's been going on, I'm surrounded by great friends who are there to help and have offered help already.

So here's my thinking. Karma wanted to remind me that I was doing well, but still need a lil bit more work. With that said, no more negativity can be allowed in my life. I have to stop trying to change people and their opinions and just worry about my girls and the important people in my life. Karma will handle everything else.

Wednesday

So my brother's off to Hawaii for yet another summer spent in paradise. He's playing baseball out there for 6 weeks. There are scouts that head to those games, so you never know, but if nothing else he gets great life experience as well as more playing time. Which, any athlete can tell you is very important.

I dropped him at the airport this morning and on my way back to the car I had a realization. I realized that I have some serious abandonment issues. Mmhmm, sure do. Once again, it all stems back to my childhood. At least that's where my introspection led me. I have lots of issues saying goodbye to people in my circle. My girls, my siblings, and a few other select people make it into that circle. Those are the people that I have issues when it comes to goodbyes of any kind. My brother is a 21 year old man and does his own thing and yet when I was leaving him, all I saw was that little kid who used to want to go and play basketball. Had a moment and then I started thinking about why I felt the way I did.

My guess is that my issues stem from the fact that I HATED when my biological father would drop me back off at my house after a weekend spent with him. No, the weekends weren't that great, but I guess it was because it was something different and it was my dad. I can remember times when I would sit in my bathroom after he left and just cry. I would tell my mother that I wanted to go and live with him and all that other stuff. Looking back now I'm sure that hurt her, but I hope she understood where it was coming from. So my uneducated guess is that because I hated having to part with my father and say goodbye to him, I do everything in my power now to avoid that feeling. Hence why people in my circle stay in my circle for quite some time.

Those thoughts led me to Lori. Course, most thoughts lead me to her. I think that maybe part of the reason that I haven't dealt with her loss is because by doing so I'll have no choice but to admit that she's gone. No, I'm not nuts, I know that she's gone, but maybe some deep, dark part of my brain doesn't. Maybe it can't handle that sort of information or understanding so it shields itself. I do know that whenever I think of Lori and my heart starts to hurt my brain instantly turns to something else. Defense mechanism? Sounds like a good idea right?

Things to ponder.

Can I be a comedian??

So people tell me all the time that I'm funny. No, they're not just saying that because they feel bad for me or anything. I actually am a pretty funny individual. I just don't know if I can put a routine together and stand in front of an audience and just spew my funniness forth. I have no issues with the standing in front of people part, it's the writing jokes that I'm concerned with. I need to keep a pen and paper handy so I can jot things down as they come to me.

If I can get some decent material together I'd like to go and try an open mic night. See if I can make the masses laugh. And no, trying to be funny on here just ain't the same. It's about the timing, the delivery. Gotta nail that shit if you're gonna be funny. Hmmmmm...to be continued??

Sunday, sunday...

So yesterday's trip into NY wasn't HORRIBLE. Don't get me wrong the traffic SUCKS, but that's to be expected. It's NY. The visit with my mother was another good one. It seems that she's actually learned her lesson. So much so that at one point her and my sister started to bicker and joking around I told them to wait until I was gone. My mother quickly laughed and said something alone the lines of been there done that. All in all it was a good visit.

Then on the way home, we watched a guy try to pull a stand up wheelie on his bike and promptly lose his shit! That's right, homie dropped his bike and rolled/slid across the road one way while his bike slid the other. Very scary stuff, especially since there were cars coming up behind him. I thought for sure he was seriously hurt. As I pulled up next to him to hop out the car, he got up and said he was ok and got back on his ride. Give him credit for that, but he had some serious road rash on his arm. I'm sure he's sore as a mofo today.

On another more interesting note, I received an email from a journalist in the UK. She's done a few stories on both the BBW world and the Poly world and someone from one of the sites I'm on suggested she email me because I have an interesting story. Turns out she's been doing radio, print, and some tv over the years and is looking to make a name for herself in the US. So, the girls and I talked it over and we decided that we would love to share our story. Hell, that's kind of the purpose of this blog. So, we'll see what happens, but I'm definitely very excited at the idea of even just the UK reading our story. :)

I'll keep you posted.

A trip to NY

No, not quite what you're thinking. This is just a trip into Long Island to go and visit my mom. Things are much different than what they used to be between us. Course not talking to your son for 6mos would probably change your views on things. I'm glad that she finally realized that just because I'm her child doesn't mean that I am a child. Know what I mean? My mother's a control freak and when she realized that she didn't have control over me in all situations anymore she lost her mind. Glad she found it again.

So the girls and I went for a drive yesterday. Normal Sat activity for us during the Spring and Summer months especially. We ended up down by the shore looking at some AMAZING houses. Yes they were gorgeous and I'm sure anyone would be thrilled to own one, but is all that space really necessary. Especially if it's a summer house that's only used a few times a year. Which then brings me to the point that we American's are greedy sumbitches. I know I used to be a hard core greedy bastard. I worked and worked and worked just so I could have the nicer things. Notice I said nicer and not necessary. I've learned in this past year that there's a difference.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to buy nicer stuff when I do buy, but the "need" to go and buy expensive or flashy things has subsided considerably. The things you learn when you don't have a choice are amazing! Neat thing is that you realize that you can still live a good life without these things. Helps to put a lot of other stuff into perspective for you.

I believe that's it for now. Thanks for reading and have a great day!

I really need to get better about this

GOD I need to start something and see it all the way through!! I started this blog as a way for me to get things off my chest, as well as possibly inform people of my lifestyle. I'm such an effin slacker!! I know I've said this before, but really I'm gonna try this time to get better. No, really I am!!

So wife M finally got a much deserved raise yesterday. WOOOFUCKINGHOOOO!!! While the money's great, I'm thrilled that she's finally making what she should be making for what she does. Along with the raise came the official title of legal secretary!! Another plus since she can now put that on her resume. SHWEET!

Side note...I had tacos last night. That's why I've been up since 5am on a Saturday. FML!! This is probably the only draw back to getting older. You just can't do some of the things that you used to be able to! I used to have a cast iron stomach and could eat pretty much whatever I wanted and not worry about it. So not the case anymore. BOOOOOO!!

BUT, I will say that I'm actually enjoying getting older and wiser. Bit more emphasis on the wiser part. I was talking to wife D yesterday and told her that I'm actually happy that when it comes to certain situations I actually stop and think before I just spurt off at the mouth. OMG RIGHT?? Scary part is that it really does pay off sometimes to just keep your mouth shut. Did that a couple times this week and instead of making a situation worse it actually improved things. GO FIGURE! :) Who said getting older was bad?? Hell, I even think I look better now than I did when I was younger. Yup, damn straight I'm aging gracefully! LOL

K, I think that's it for this particular post. I really am going to try much harder to post on here on a regular basis. I can't promise that it's gonna be every day, but I can promise to try harder and that I will. :)

Wow

She sure is photogenic. Got me to stop in my tracks a few times and just kinda...sigh.

Not having a day, just typing...

So I've never really dealt with losing Lori. I kinda realized today just how close to the surface it really is for me. I gloss over most things in my life with humor. I think I just push things down and bury them. That's not to say that I don't talk bout her, think about her, and sometimes cry about her, but I'm not sure if I've really allowed myself to truly grieve her. My body kind of goes into protection mode like a surge protector. When those feelings rush over me, my brain quickly shuts things down so my melt down isn't nuclear. I guess that's good, but is it healthy? I don't know.

It's tough for me to even talk about. So much so that I stopped going to my therapist when I suggested we talk about Lori. Yeah, I suggested it, and then couldn't do it. I don't know if I even can open up about it, or if there's a mental block that's there to protect me. There are just so many things...

7am on Saturday

And I've already been up for 2 hours. Guess that's what I get for going to bed at 10pm. Yup, that's right, 10pm on a Friday night. Guess I really am an old man now. LOL Whatever, I was tired, fell asleep, and 5am my eyeballs popped open and that was pretty much that. I'm sure I'll end up needing a nap in the middle of the day, but I already said I was old didn't I??

Thought this was pretty

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile and finds, in your presense that life is worthwhile. So when you are lonely, remember its true - somebody, somewhere is thinking of you.

??

Hope all is well.