A rebirth...I think

So I was told that I need to start blogging again. Well here we are. Where to start??

A lot has happened. My mother kicked my brother out of the house which led to all sorts of drama. A lot of unresolved feelings popped up. I tried to talk to my mother and she had a completely different version of how things happened in our house. Told me things that I remembered were a matter of opinion. I knew then that any sort of attempt to talk to her about how I was feeling would be futile. So, I'm done.

On a much happier note, we actually found someone!! It's pretty cool actually. She fits exactly what we were looking for. A true friend with some pretty awesome benefits. It's only been a short time, but I really think she's gonna be a keeper. Long as she don't go nuts that is. LOL

I may be blogging more as I've downloaded an app that allows me to do this right from my phone. Ahhhh technology. Gotta love it.

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can be made to feel as if your just an after thought. A lot can happen in two weeks.

A lot can happen in two weeks. You can find a new job, buy a new car, get a raise, or fall in love. Or you can realize that you're just not that important. You

Curious

So I haven't written in this thing in FOREVER and yet there is someone that checks it almost daily. I wonder who you are and why you haven't said anything to me. Or are you someone that I know who's keeping tabs? Maybe you should tell me who you are. Could be the start of something...interesting. ;)

Karma, Karma, Karma...

Can be a total bitch, but she does definitely serve a purpose. So I'm trying to live my life being both true to myself and treating others the way I would want to be treated. I was doing really well with all that and then lil bits of negativity started creeping in. Lil things that I allowed to bother me and then I would retaliate with a post on FB or something like that. No big deal right? I'm still following the Golden Rule and trying to do what I set out to do. I think I may have been wrong.

This last week has been a test of my new found stress management techniques. I've done well, but still have a long ways to go. When all this stuff started happening the first thing I thought was, what did I do wrong to deserve this. I really believe in Karma, can you tell? In thinking about what's been going on the only thing I could think of was the negativity that I was putting out. Even with what's been going on, I'm surrounded by great friends who are there to help and have offered help already.

So here's my thinking. Karma wanted to remind me that I was doing well, but still need a lil bit more work. With that said, no more negativity can be allowed in my life. I have to stop trying to change people and their opinions and just worry about my girls and the important people in my life. Karma will handle everything else.

Wednesday

So my brother's off to Hawaii for yet another summer spent in paradise. He's playing baseball out there for 6 weeks. There are scouts that head to those games, so you never know, but if nothing else he gets great life experience as well as more playing time. Which, any athlete can tell you is very important.

I dropped him at the airport this morning and on my way back to the car I had a realization. I realized that I have some serious abandonment issues. Mmhmm, sure do. Once again, it all stems back to my childhood. At least that's where my introspection led me. I have lots of issues saying goodbye to people in my circle. My girls, my siblings, and a few other select people make it into that circle. Those are the people that I have issues when it comes to goodbyes of any kind. My brother is a 21 year old man and does his own thing and yet when I was leaving him, all I saw was that little kid who used to want to go and play basketball. Had a moment and then I started thinking about why I felt the way I did.

My guess is that my issues stem from the fact that I HATED when my biological father would drop me back off at my house after a weekend spent with him. No, the weekends weren't that great, but I guess it was because it was something different and it was my dad. I can remember times when I would sit in my bathroom after he left and just cry. I would tell my mother that I wanted to go and live with him and all that other stuff. Looking back now I'm sure that hurt her, but I hope she understood where it was coming from. So my uneducated guess is that because I hated having to part with my father and say goodbye to him, I do everything in my power now to avoid that feeling. Hence why people in my circle stay in my circle for quite some time.

Those thoughts led me to Lori. Course, most thoughts lead me to her. I think that maybe part of the reason that I haven't dealt with her loss is because by doing so I'll have no choice but to admit that she's gone. No, I'm not nuts, I know that she's gone, but maybe some deep, dark part of my brain doesn't. Maybe it can't handle that sort of information or understanding so it shields itself. I do know that whenever I think of Lori and my heart starts to hurt my brain instantly turns to something else. Defense mechanism? Sounds like a good idea right?

Things to ponder.