Happiness

I just want you to be happy. When I stop and think about it, that's really I want for you. Of course I would love for me to be able to be that person, but I know that will never be. That's ok. Like I said, so long as I'm a part of your life in some fashion, I'm ok. I mean that.

That's why I say I only want your happiness. If it can't be me, then I want it to be someone that can cherish you the way I can. Someone that can make you happy the way I can. Take care of you the way I can. I ultimately just want you to be happy.

I've said it for a while and I meant it. I'll always be here for you no matter what. You can always talk to me about anything you need, or want to. Call on me and I'll be here. I'll lay back in the shadows waiting for you to need me. Guess this is what Batman felt like.

When you smile I smile, when you cry I cry.

Friends

I bitch and moan about so many things. It's what I do. LOL But, one thing that I can't complain about is our friends. We have some of the most amazing people as friends in our lives. We're so blessed. As I get older, I realize how important those friendships are. How strong, and meaningful they can be. More so than when I was younger.

I have friends that I can go months without seeing, or even talking to, and when we pick up the phone, it's like no time whatsoever has passed. That's friendship. Friends that will give me the shirt off their backs if I asked for it. Friends that no matter what are always there for you in your time of need.

I cherish those friends so much. They are a small and select group which is why they're so valuable to me. They know who they are, and may or may not read this blog. Either way, thank you for being my friend and for letting me into your life. :)

WOW

You ever been blown away by something that's happened? I mean to the point where you stop and question like...life?? LOL I had something like that yesterday. I won't go into details, because I don't need to, but WOW! That's really all I can say.

New life

The day has come. The day when I sever the ties from my prior employer and start anew. This may be no big deal for most, but I'm taking a job that means a HUGE pay cut. Here's the thing. Along with that pay cut is also a cut in my stress level.

I've been out of work due to stress related anxiety. What does that mean? That means that I worked for a company that demanded too much of my time. It means that I worked for a company that had people in positions of authority who don't even know how to be human. It means that after 7 years of giving them my all, when I was out, I didn't even get a phone call just to see how I was. Fuck em.

Am I bitter? Yup, you better believe it. As I said, I worked for this company for quite a while. In those years I was moved from store to store. Not because I was a problem, but because they needed help. I was at my DM's beck and call. I can't count how many times I'd get a phone call at my home store from her asking what I was doing. Before I could give her an answer, she was asking me to go to the store she was in so I could help her. After all that, not one member of upper management called to see how I was. I received a letter from the district human resources manager that was nothing but professional. (I've worked with this person for years, and although I wouldn't consider her a great friend, I thought she was at least a friend.) All of these things combined with a few others have made it impossible for me to work at that place anymore. And that sucks because it was a good job making good money. Just wish the people were better. And I don't mean my associates. They were awesome and I will miss them.

Now, even though I'm bitter, I'm also very thankful. The last few months that I've been away from the bad place, I've been so much happier. I've been able to spend more time with my girls. I don't have to worry about working weekends, and getting out at 1am. (All the while worrying if I left the store in good enough condition) I'm slowly getting my life back. Thank you, bad place, for stressing me to my breaking point and making me realize that I can't keep going the way I was.

The toughest part of all this, is the money. You see, I've always been driven by money. Ever since I was young, I had a goal of making a certain salary by the time I turned 30. I was 8K shy of that goal. Not too bad when you think about it. But now I'm going to cut my salary pretty much in half. WHAT THE FUCK?!? I'm lucky because we have 3 incomes. Really that's the only reason why I can even take a pay cut like that. I'm slowly realizing that it's not all about the money and the material possesions. I don't need to have those things to be happy. It's slow going, but I'm getting there.

Most of all, I just want to make sure that we're not struggling because of me. The girls assure me that we're going to be OK. That we'll make figure it out and make it and we'll be fine. I also know that they won't say anything that's going to stress me out. I worry, it's what I do. I trust them, and if I see that it gets too hairy, I can always go and find a better paying job again. I just know that with that money comes the stress.

Out of all of this, I do know one thing. I'm a happier man. I think I'll be even happier when I officially cut the ties from the bad place. :-D

Magenta

Interesting title for a post isn't it? Let's see if any one out there knows why I used it. So, today's another one of "those" days. I'm not sure what the issue is, but it's been going on since last night. Just been very blah. Guess it's a combination of feelings that are all tumbling around. The weather isn't helping either. Damn rain!

I don't think I'm depressed or anything, just having a blah day. Been thinking about Lori a lot lately. I know that doesn't help much, but I can't NOT think of her. I've been told that I need to find a happy medium, and there are times when I think I've found it, but it only turns out to be temporary. Talking to someone really didn't help either. Maybe I just have to realize that this is how life is going to be from now on. Maybe that's what I need. To just accept that fact that I'm always going to be a little sad because she's not here. I wonder if I keep trying to just get over it, and that's actually what's making it worse. Who knows.

A fun weekend

I love when we get to spend time together. This weekend was a treat because it was a three day weekend with the girls. YAY! I'm not going to lie. I wonder if we spend too much time together. So many of our friends do things apart from their spouses. I wonder if we have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship of some sort. Then I slap myself and come back to reality. LOL

We like spending time together. We look forward to the weekends when we can all hang out. Whether it be with our friends, or just ourselves. We enjoy each other's company. I know that other people out there enjoy the company of their spouses, I'm not that naive, but I do wonder if they enjoy each other's company as much as we enjoy time together.

Anyway, we did the typical Memorial day stuff, bbq's and the like. Had a lot of fun seeing old friends again. It's the official we've woken up out of our winter slumber and are ready to party, weekend! LOL

Hope everyone had a happy and safe weekend!

Did it again

What did I do? I tortured myself. But this time I came through it much better than normal. I can only imagine what you must be thinking. He tortured himself?? What the hell??? Let me explain.
I belong to a forum for Polyamory. On there there was someone who asked if anyone had lost a partner and how they dealt with things. Unfortunately, I have personal experience in that matter so her and I have been communicating via email for the last couple of days. I absolutely LOVE that I'm able to help someone else going through this. I'm glad that she has someone that can understand what she's going through. (I know there are many people who have lost loved ones, but to lose someone in a poly relationship, there's a whole slew of other things that one must be concerned with) Anyway, she feels like she has someone that she can talk to now, and I'm thrilled to be that person.

Now with the good always comes the bad right? Well, in all this talking about our loved ones, I've been remembering our first gf. Now this used to mean that I would sit and cry and feel the pain of when we first lost her. It's been 4 years since she's been gone, and now when I think of her, I don't hurt like I did at the start. Now I just feel empty when I think about her not being here. My life is by no means empty, please don't misunderstand. But when she passed away, a piece of my heart went with her. Always will be that way. There's always going to be a void in my heart when I think of her.

Anyway, back to my torture. I was in our spare room today and that's where we have her furniture and stuff like that. It's also where we have her pictures and perfume. I know, it's been 4 years, but I can't bring myself to not do things like that. When we moved to SC, one of the spare rooms was set up with all of her stuff. So, I was in the spare room yesterday and I started looking at her pictures. Then I sprayed a bit of her perfume on a shirt that she used to wear. Then I just walked around with her shirt, smelling it and thinking about her. I didn't cry. I'm not all cried out, but I know that sometimes I just need to do those things. I'm sure it seems a bit much to some of you out there, but it's what I have to do. Plain and simple.

I'm not a nut I promise. I just miss her like mad. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about her or wonder why she can't be here with us. I know she's around and is watching over us, but damn I wish I could hear her laugh one more time. Hug her one more time. Tell her I love her one more time. I'll love her for the rest of my life and I can't wait until we're all together again. Love you babygirl. Always will.