Back to Poly...

So, again, the main reason for this blog was because I wanted to do my part to help people understand what being polyamorous is all about. So, basically this was a place where I could write events and things that go on in my poly lifestyle. Well, kids here's a story.

I fell in love with someone who's Monogamous. *GASP* I know, I know. What were you thinking Dan?? Well, obviously I wasn't thinking. But, the thing of it is, you really can't help who you fall in love with. No, seriously. I tried, you just can't stop loving who you love.

Now, there are things that you can do to try and prevent making this situation any worse on yourself. Like, talk to them only about strictly platonic things. Or, make it plainly known that it's just a friendship. Of course, if you're me even those things make it hard once my Love button has been pushed. I was told once that when I love, I love completely. Guess once I love you, I love you.

Anywhoo, we had a friendship for a long time. I met her right around the time the Lori passed away so it's been about 4 years. I remember the first time I saw her pics online. I was wowed and so we started talking. And, really that's all it was. We talked online, we spoke on the phone occasionally. She knew that I was married and that we'd had girlfriends in the past. So she was aware that I was poly. She made it plainly clear that she wasn't, that she couldn't share, and that our lifestyle wasn't for her. She respected it, but knew that she couldn't do it. And so we talked, and talked, and just talked. That's all we were. Friends.

Well, for her at least. See, like I said. When my Love button is pushed it usually stays on for the rest of my life. (There have been some cases where that button has shut itself off) So we would talk, and all the while I would have these feelings for her. I told her that I thought she was amazing and all that stuff, but I guess I never opened up to her. Until last week. (Insert suspenseful music here)

It started through a series of events that were unusual to me. I will not go into details here as that's between her and I. But I will say that it was like I was talking to a different person. Things were said that hadn't been said ever before. One in particular sticks with me. I got a text which said, "get out of my head." I responded promptly with a "huh??" Then the phone rang and it was her saying that she was thinking of me. It was that one event more than anything else that day that floored me. Like, literally laid me out on the floor!

Anywhoo, later that day, it all changed. SNAP! Just like that, what I thought was a good day went to something else. I mean immediately. I knew it that same day. It slowly slid downhill until it got to the point where we're no longer speaking. (Yes, that's what those last few posts were all about) I'm saddened by that, but you can read all about that in the previous post.

I want to make it clear that I am the reason that we aren't speaking anymore. I pushed for something that wasn't there. I overdid it, although I wish she'd have told me to slow down before. But I'm not going to lie either. I was confused. I really was just confused about things. But, there should have been no confusion on my part since she said from go that it could only ever be friends. That is a great example of live and learn. I wish I'd have learned that lesson on someone else so I didn't have to lose a friend, but that wasn't to be the case.

Lost...

I lost a good friend a couple of days ago through my own mistakes. I realized what I did wrong, and tried to apologize for it, but to no avail. I'm in no way upset that my friend has made this decision, as it was warranted. I pushed too hard, tried for things that I had no business trying for, and as they said, made something out of nothing. Damn this overactive brain of mine.

It's never intentional when you lose a friend, but after it's done you always stop and say. Damn it, why were you such an asshole! Why didn't you just do what you knew you needed to do. I tried, and I couldn't that's why. No other way to put it than my heart took over. Need to work on that.

I'm saddened that I no longer have this person in my life in any fashion. What upsets me most of all is that I feel like I let that person down. I told them that I would always be there for them, and through my own actions I've nullified that. I'm now, no better than the other people they've had to deal with that have hurt them in the past. I'm so very very sorry about that. You have no idea how upset I am at myself for letting that happen.

I wish you the very best in everything that you do. May you be successful in your career. May you find your soul mate and be loved. May you do many wonderful things in your life. Most of all, may you finally be happy. I truly want nothing more than your happiness. I hope that you find it.