Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Not having a day, just typing...

So I've never really dealt with losing Lori. I kinda realized today just how close to the surface it really is for me. I gloss over most things in my life with humor. I think I just push things down and bury them. That's not to say that I don't talk bout her, think about her, and sometimes cry about her, but I'm not sure if I've really allowed myself to truly grieve her. My body kind of goes into protection mode like a surge protector. When those feelings rush over me, my brain quickly shuts things down so my melt down isn't nuclear. I guess that's good, but is it healthy? I don't know.

It's tough for me to even talk about. So much so that I stopped going to my therapist when I suggested we talk about Lori. Yeah, I suggested it, and then couldn't do it. I don't know if I even can open up about it, or if there's a mental block that's there to protect me. There are just so many things...